Athlete's Aha! "I know how to win at college!"

Parents, learn from the insight this student came up with. Use it with your student.

I recently coached a student who was a top-notch ball player in high school. He was so good he got a scholarship to play ball in college.

He went off to school, got injured playing ball, and flunked his first-year courses. Then he went back home.

When a student has this kind of experience, he comes home thinking of himself as a failure. His self-esteem is non-existent. He’s lost and doesn’t know what he wants to do. This former high school all-star had lost his identity as a winner and a standout.

I know what it’s like when your student drops out of college. Our son went that route. That’s one reason I do what I do.

As I was working with this athlete, he was bemoaning core classes. “They’re boring. I don’t care about ________ (history, science, whatever). Core classes suck.”

“That may be,” I said. “But you have to take them and pass them. That’s your ticket to studying what you’re really interested in. And to getting a degree.”

The young man, now 20, thought a moment and had this blessed Aha. 

“I had to learn a lot of basics to play ball. I had hours of practice throwing, catching, and running before I really got to play ball. Those basics were like core classes. If I can do that, I can win at college!”

Amen! He realized that he could endure the boring, routine stuff in order to play the fun stuff.

What a great lesson he learned that day.

If your student is struggling with core courses, talk to him about his successes and how he got to them. I’m willing to bet there was a lot of practice somewhere.

For more on dropping out, read this. #coreclasses

Motivate or Alienate

“Summertime, and the livin’ is easy”—George Gershwin obviously didn’t have a teenager or young college student in his house when he wrote those lyrics. What’s a parent to do?

How to motivate our kids is a common topic among parents any time of year, but particularly in the summer. The parental list of “I’ve tried this…” goes on forever.

A few months ago I came across this book that should help: “Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work . . . And What Does” by Susan Fowler.

A Solution?

Fowler writes about the science of motivation, which is based on three psychological needs—autonomy, relatedness, and competence.

AUTONOMY is our need to feel we have choices, that we’re in charge, and that we’re doing things because we want to.

RELATEDNESS is about feeling cared for, caring about others, and feeling we are contributing to society and the common good.

COMPETENCE is about being good at something and growing and flourishing as we get better at that something.

Human beings must have all three to be motivated. I’m doing X because I want to, because I care about others working on X, and because I’m getting better at the tasks involved with X.

Both of our kids started working when they were 15. We didn’t tell them to; it was something they each came up with.

They each found a job on their own, met new people and made new friends, and learned skills that they still use today.

What It Looks Like

I’ve been coaching Anna, 16, who decided (autonomy) she wanted to become more socially responsible after seeing low scores in that area on her emotional intelligence assessment. She has picked a cause that she cares about (relatedness). And she is eager to learn new skills as she helps others (competence).

Her mom could have pestered her to do something and get out of the house, but then it wouldn’t have been Anna’s idea. I could have insisted she do something, but, again, it wouldn’t have been Anna’s idea. Anna chose to work on something, what that something is, and how and where to do it.

In the book “Glued to Games” by Rigby and Ryan, the authors say the reason males play video games with such dedication and intensity is because of autonomy, relatedness, and competence.

The players are in charge. They are often on teams and make new friends. And they learn lots of skills playing and winning those games.

If we parents can learn to let autonomy, relatedness, and competence be our kids’ ideas, maybe we will be singing “Summertime, and the livin’ is easy.”

How to Really Prepare Your Student for College

I’ve spent lots of time working with high school and college students for the past few years and one thing has become very clear. When going off to college, many students are not emotionally prepared for their new lives. Check out these articles from the Washington Post and GAcollege411.

Yesterday I found these survey results and felt I needed to share them with you. First-year students felt:

• Lonely –49%
• Worried about meeting new people—42%
• Overwhelmed—39%
• Isolated from campus life—35%
• Had difficulty getting along with room/housemates—30%
• Intimidated by professors—28%
• Worried about their health—28%

When our older child went to college, he definitely experienced problems with roommates. There were six of them in a suite-style setting, and none of the others lived according to our son’s rules and expectations. It was not fun.

EQ vs. IQ

Adjusting to college is a challenge for almost any student. It’s a time for students to grow up and parents to back off. To help make the transition easier for students, some high schools are teaching Emotional Intelligence, referred to as EI or EQ (vs. IQ).

Think about the most successful people you know. . .  Did they get ahead based on their IQ, brain smarts, or on their EQ, people smarts? Studies show that 70% of workplace challenges are people-based and require EQ. Even Jack Welch, legendary CEO of GE, believes in EQ.

“No doubt emotional intelligence is more rare than book smarts. My experience says it is actually 

more important in the making of a leader.”

Welch should know. Under Welch’s reign at GE, the company produced more Fortune 500 CEOs than any other company in history.

Give your student an EQ advantage

I’m looking for a handful of students for a pilot program on EQ. My goal is to help them be better prepared for college. I am certified to administer the EQi assessment and have used it with my executive coaching clients. Call me at 404-248-9475 or email me if you want your student to benefit from this new, highly discounted program or if you want more information. DEADLINE: April 12, 2015.

If the pilot goes well, I will open the program up to other students. 

Teen brains and social skills

This month's post is on two topics that always come up between teenagers and parents. The piece on social skills is written by a teen for teens, but adults need to read it, too. The other two links are to information on the teenage brain, definitely targeted at parents. But if I still had teenagers, I'd share these links with them as well. Let's get some conversations going.

For students

A 16-year-old writes about her lack of social skills. It’s an excellent piece for teens and adults. Teachers could use this post to generate some interesting discussions in school.

For parents

Parents of teenagers are always wondering why their kids do some of the not-brilliant things teens do. My husband and I certainly experienced those thoughts when our kids were teenagers. I’ve come across two resources to give adults more insights into how and why teens think and act the way they do.

NPR interviewed Dr. Frances Jensen, author of The Teenage Brain. She opens by talking about why teenagers may look like adults, but seriously lack the ability to think like adults. The interview with Dr. Jensen starts at the 31:30 min. mark.

NPR also has a written interview with Dr. Laurence Steinberg, author of The Age of Opportunity. He gives his own take on what’s happening in the teenage brain, how to help teens make smarter decisions, and what schools can do to help.