Motivate or Alienate

“Summertime, and the livin’ is easy”—George Gershwin obviously didn’t have a teenager or young college student in his house when he wrote those lyrics. What’s a parent to do?

How to motivate our kids is a common topic among parents any time of year, but particularly in the summer. The parental list of “I’ve tried this…” goes on forever.

A few months ago I came across this book that should help: “Why Motivating People Doesn’t Work . . . And What Does” by Susan Fowler.

A Solution?

Fowler writes about the science of motivation, which is based on three psychological needs—autonomy, relatedness, and competence.

AUTONOMY is our need to feel we have choices, that we’re in charge, and that we’re doing things because we want to.

RELATEDNESS is about feeling cared for, caring about others, and feeling we are contributing to society and the common good.

COMPETENCE is about being good at something and growing and flourishing as we get better at that something.

Human beings must have all three to be motivated. I’m doing X because I want to, because I care about others working on X, and because I’m getting better at the tasks involved with X.

Both of our kids started working when they were 15. We didn’t tell them to; it was something they each came up with.

They each found a job on their own, met new people and made new friends, and learned skills that they still use today.

What It Looks Like

I’ve been coaching Anna, 16, who decided (autonomy) she wanted to become more socially responsible after seeing low scores in that area on her emotional intelligence assessment. She has picked a cause that she cares about (relatedness). And she is eager to learn new skills as she helps others (competence).

Her mom could have pestered her to do something and get out of the house, but then it wouldn’t have been Anna’s idea. I could have insisted she do something, but, again, it wouldn’t have been Anna’s idea. Anna chose to work on something, what that something is, and how and where to do it.

In the book “Glued to Games” by Rigby and Ryan, the authors say the reason males play video games with such dedication and intensity is because of autonomy, relatedness, and competence.

The players are in charge. They are often on teams and make new friends. And they learn lots of skills playing and winning those games.

If we parents can learn to let autonomy, relatedness, and competence be our kids’ ideas, maybe we will be singing “Summertime, and the livin’ is easy.”